Posts Tagged ‘Bodysuit Shapewear’
Ten Most Mortifying Things to Wear
1. Shirt dresses – Shirt Dresses are a bad bad idea. Shirt Dresses, as opposed to how they are popularly advertised, do not make you look more attractive! No. What they do do, is they mess up the smooth flow that a dress should give and have that odd hem which looks like you’re wearing your boyfriend’s shirt SUCH a bad idea. Whoever created the shirtdress must have been Kate Moss thin. Ugh.
2. Bright turtlenecks – Bright Turtlenecks are best described as vibrant. Yes. Only good for being used as drapery around the house when your blind mother-in-law comes to visit. This is an atrocity that shouldn’t have never gotten close to the dying machine. The only colors that turtle necks should be worn in are gray, white and black. That’s it. I don’t care how thin you are. (And anyway if you were kate moss thin you wouldn’t be reading this article. Let’s just face the facts here, kiddies).
3. Leather pants – Leather Pants?! We may still listen to Madonna, but the eighties are long gone! Who the hell promoted leather pants? The other day I’m out and about in Atlanta, walking from Ri-Ra to Cosmo Lava and guess who I see walking just ten feet in front of me(no. not my college crush turned worst enemy ever) but a woman wearing ZEBRA PLEATHER pants!? I MEAN WHAT?! Not even black leather, but ZEBRA PLEATHER? Seriously? I mean Seriously?!!
4. 12.7-centimetre-wide belts: This is obvious. As previously states, you are not of no fat constituency. So sweetie, don’t bother trying to suck in all your fat with a thick belt. It’s ugly. It’s unattractive. You may have squeezed the fat out of your waist, but it’s not spilling out over your belt.
5. Handbags as big as luggage: Handbags were meant to be HAND-bags, not ARM-bags. Well forget about looking attractive to the opposite(or same) sex. (I presume that looking attractive to the opposite sex is of SOME importance to you).
6. Over-the-knee boots: Over the knee boots cause one of two things to happen- either they reach up to your thighs and cause excess fat to spill out over the top of the boot or they cut off the circulation in you legs, which may or may not have you ending up in a hospital on a drunken night out.
7. Round eyewear: Yes. Yes, Hollywood stars wore them for like a week, then came to their senses, so please come to yours!
8. Thick platform shoes: These went out of fashion before they were even invented. They look tacky. Do you want to trip over your own feet and hop around for the next 8 weeks.
9. Tube tops and bustiers: Tube tops aren’t worn by anyone self-respecting. Bad, Bad Idea. The fat will spill out again- but this time from right underneath your collar bone. NOT attractive.
10. White coats, pants, shoes, stockings: If you are a doctor you are dismissed from this number. White pants can only work if you are wearing Bodysuit Shapewear. Otherwise don’t even try to wear white coats with black jeans(Michael Jackson ain’t around anymore.). Don’t even try to wear white pants which a bright colored turtle-neck. White shoes won’t get you any dates. The disco era is gone. And white stocking. Agh! Please-Just Shoot Me!
So guys. My latest pointers on ‘not looking ugly’
Ten Ways to Look Thin Fast
1. A solid-coloured A-line dress: It could be black, green, red, pink, blue, olive green, gray, yellow, purple or whatever (ok. not white), but if it is an A-Line dress it WILL make you look great! Guaranteed! Now, like I’ve said in my earlier articles- wearing white is dangerous. Unless you’re Kate Moss thin, don’t try it.
2. Black shoes teamed with black opaque tights: Aha! The Hollywood Star Fashion. This classic look has been worn by Hollywood stars for decades. Perfect for an important business meeting. Wear it for an interview. Wear it when out with friends! Wear it on an important date! Guys love black. Trust Me!
3. Bodysuit Shapewear (cuts 10 pounds): Ah. Shapewear. The Foundation Garment. Looking tight and toned it of utmost importance. Keeping MY stomach sucked in at all times is near impossible, so no chance I’m trying it. Shapewear is the one and only way for me to survive the onslaught of great clothes. No. Although old people may wear it, so do the very young! It’s not for overweight people! It’s for normal girls wanting to look extra sleek. If your boyfriend makes fun of you, check his closet, he’s probably wearing a Men’s Body Shaper}.
4. Wear a bra to lift your boobs: Boobs that sag don’t add to the attractive quotient. You’ve all heard that saying that lifting the breasts can make one look even fatter. Wrong Wearing a bra that pushes up your chest will give your figure a more streamlined look. Don’t hesitate to look more voluptuous If I have to choose between voluptuous and saggy, I’d choose voluptuous any day. Your guy would to. Trust Me.
5. Fake tan: Who cares if it’s fake Who care’s if you didn’t get it baking under the sun, exposing yourself to potential skin cancer, and paying 800 bucks for a weekend in a Miami. A wonderful(if fake) tan will make you glow, make your clothes stand out and up the attraction points. Thank God for Tanning Beds!
6. V-neck sweater (no turtle/crew): So, if you don’t already know, turtle necks are not cool. No. Instead, opt for a lovely v-neck sweater which will highlight your collar bones and hug your neck line! You will get tons of compliments!
7. Curvy, not boxy, jacket: You would think this would be obvious, box means NO SHAPE. So dahlings, don’t make the boxy mistake.
8. A controlling camisole: Ah. It’s a great buy because you can wear it under a button down shirt, a sweater or out and about in the summer. It’ll also help your posture.
9. Skirts five centimeters above the knee: Ah. Contrary to popular perception, wearing a skirt at the knee doesn’t make you look skinnier, it makes you look frumpy. Frumpy is what the boys do not like.
10. Loose, skinny belt over a long, thin sweater: Thick belts are out, but a thin belt over a soft sweater can go a long way. When it’s cold you don’t want to lose your shape, just because you are wearing a sweater, so instead wear a thin belt at the waist to guarantee an actual figure.